The Unveiling

Subscriptions skyrocketed today as the news broke that Heidi Edelweiss-Trash, former wife of ST superstar legend Dr. Hunter Trash, has unexpectedly agreed to pose for both Playboy and Penthouse.

Long sought after by both magazines, the German beauty will reportedly be paid $3 million by each publication to pose in the nude. "It is time I do something for me," said Edelweiss-Trash in a written statement. "The breakup of my marriage has been very much sehr difficult fur mich, and I must now focus on meine self and meine career. This is more geld than journalism, and I like dollar bills, hundred dollar bills."

Heidi, as she is known simply by legions of ST faithful, will appear in Playboy's December issue, followed by the January issue of Penthouse. Playboy's Hugh Hefner was wryly philosophical, saying, "We got her first."

"Why bother with Hef's rag? The next month you know you'll be seeing a LOT more of her in our pages," responded Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione, with a wink.

Reached for comment in the Maldives, where he is currently working on a crossover music project with current fiance Jessica Simpson, Dr. Trash said, "Who?" After a moment's reflection, he added, "Oh yeah... I remember her... she's hot! Dandy bedroom-baseball catcher, that little St. Pauli girl!"

In the Mode of Nuptial Ode

Wedding Bells for ST co-Leader

Famed rock musician Dr. Roscoe Trash was married last night in a simple Quaker ceremony to Heidi Edelweiss, his longtime girlfriend of two days. The pair met when Edelweiss, a reporter for the German cultural rag Das Bild, interviewed the Doctor at his Hawaiian retreat. "They hit it off right away," said longtime Trash personal secretary Doris Hunter. "It was a beautiful thing to see... excuse me, I'm getting emotional."

The clearly joyous couple was married at midnight with fireworks exploding overhead, at the Doctor's 77-acre, $7 million ranch outside Taos, New Mexico near the community of Arroyo Seco. There were married under an arch of white and pink sheaths and within a circle of scattered red, white and pink rose petals, while a small group of guests looked on. The approximate 50 guests - most flown in from Los Angeles on a private jet - were asked to wear white linen and to bring a special plant so they could become part of a special wedding garden on the ranch. Among those present were Bill Murray, Bono & The Edge, former first daughter Chelsea Clinton and her fiance Ian Klaus, Olivia Newton-John, Al Pacino, Henry Winkler, Woody Allen, Snoop Dogg & Dr. Dre, french auteur Jean-Luc Godard, Warren Buffett, Jon Stewart & his wife, Willie Mays & Willie MacCovey, hockey hall-of-famer Marcel Dionne, and ST stalwarts KF Nibla, Markus Elman, Ennis Hair, and Ken Weeks. Surprisingly, a balding unshaven Wok also appeared and stood, swaying, in the back.

In keeping with Quaker tradition, there were no groomsmen, bridesmaids, or flower girls. In taking their seats and giving themselves to each other, the couple eliminates the custom of another person giving away the bride; then in quiet reverence, the couple arises in an atmosphere of silence. They then hold hands and one after the other they recite: The former Fraulein Edelweiss read a poem by Goethe; Dr. Trash recited his own famed lyrics to "Acacia Missed Me", and then read a May 1925 Giants-Dodgers game summary by Ring Lardner Sr. Former big league manager Whitey Herzog performed the ceremony that included simple, handwritten vows. Wedding music was performed by Helen Schneider, a mutual friend from Germany, and her band The Kick.

Heidi's wedding dress was a pale pink cotton halter dress that was hand-painted with flowers, and had embroidered pearls and antique beads. Dok T of Rock wore a red ruffled shirt and white leather pants.

"I am much very happy," said an emotional and passionate Edelweiss, tears of joy dripping from her coral blue eyes as she embraced her husband. "During this interview, our attraction it was strong, and then he ask me goofy-like, in German, to dance, and I become smitten." The Doctor, squeezing her tightly, smiled simply, "She's hot."

KF too was optimistic for his longtime bandmate. "She's great. Looks like they really have something. I wish the best for them. I can't wait to see pictures of her naked!"

After the reception, the members of Situation Tranquil present staged an impromptu jam session, playing a number of their classics including "Static Love", "Memoir from a Bathtub", "Lint", and "Whistler's a Mother!".

The pair will honeymoon in Berchtesgaden, Germany.

Der Wok Reacts

Former ST Frontman: "New Sound Is Weak."

Roy M. Wokosin, a man who made his mark on popular culture as lead singer for the world reknowned Situtation Tranquil, has spoken out on ST's 'New Sound'.

"It makes me want to vomit in technicolor streams." remarked Wok. "I worked too long and too hard to have the good name of ST dragged down to this mediocre level of musical dribble."

Wok's comments come on the heals of ST's announcement that they are now in the Christian Music business.

Informed of Wokosin's viewpoint, Dr. Louise Trash was philosophical. "I forgive him. Wok may not understand right now, but we still love him very much. We are there for him." Asked if perhaps this 'new sound' might not be accepted by longtime fans, Trash disagreed. "I think if our fans take the time to look inside themselves they will ultimatly find the answer. I speak for everyone in the band when I say we are truly excited by our new path. When I look back at the body of our past work, I am frankly embarrassed. I now look forward to a happy future."

"It's a crock." said Wokosin. "I mean... raise me up? What is that about. That's not ST. It's not rock. It's not music. It's what we call crap-ola baby."

A Higher Calling?

Situation Tranquil: Contemporary Christian ??

They've spent the past 24 years flirting with Satan himself. They've gone to some of the darkest places possible on their CDs. Their concerts have been exorcises in excess. But based on recent reports, those days are over for mega-super-uber-supreme-nice band Situation Tranquil.

According to 'Parenting Today', ST is in a Madison, Wisconsin recording what one insider described as 'Christian music'.

"It's a work in progress." said keyboardist Dr. Leonard Trash. "We are on a new path. Finally I have a clear path in life. I feel calm. I feel true joy."

Longtime bandmate KF Nibla felt a similar call. "After years in the wilderness I now see a light."

The official ST website RotinhellwithST.com posted lyrics to one of their new songs.

"Raise me Up"
copyright 2005 ST / rotinhell inc

"Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
I was down
down
down
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
I was down
down
down
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
I was down
down
down
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
I was down
down
down
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
I was down
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
I was down
down
down
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
down
down
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up
I was down
down
down
Raise me up
Raise me up
up
up"


One who has heard the early recording sessions described the music as "rather vanilla". But Dr. Louis K. Trash has a different opinion. "It's a new sound. I rather like it. And I think our fans will really take to this "New ST".

Yellow Pools of Sunlight Ooze Over the Top of His Barefoot Shoes

Pulling the Bases Out of a Hat with Dr. Trash
He changed the music industry. Now he's after MLB and magic

by Heidi Edelweiss, Das Bild

When Dr. Stanley Trash cruises into the airy lagoon/lobby of the posh Hilton Waikoloa Resort on the Kona Coast of Hawaii's Big Island on a recent morning, nobody pays much attention to him, even though, as an internationally renowned genius rock-god legend, his face is more recognizable than yours in the mirror. He's wearing shorts, a black T-shirt and running shoes, and an Australian drover coat. Tall and strikingly handsome, Trash has a fast, loping walk that looks like a werewolf skating on a pond of coffee. These days the Doctor seems eager to distance himself from his barefoot youth -- who was that crazy piano prodigy who once called amplified music "chimp-snot"?-- and driven to reinvent himself as both a Major League Baseball player - currently with the Baltimore Orioles - and a practicing sorcerer.

Trash punches the elevator button to the seventh floor, where he keeps a small office. For a man who is as responsible as anyone for the wonder and chaos of the international music scene, Trash's view of it all is surprisingly modest: graceful palms extending out toward Hapuna Bay, the distant whoosh of water below. There is nothing modest, however, about his resume - see http://situationtranquil.blogspot.com - yet now his steel-trap, vice-grip, laser-intense mind-control focus is on... home runs and hocus pocus. The move to baseball may be obvious, but Trash's bet on commercial necromancy & prestidigitation is a hugely risky move in many ways, not only because powerhouses such as God and Harry Potter are gunning to outdo Satan (and Batman will be soon, as well), but because success may depend on how well Trash, a forty-two-year-old semi-reclusive billionaire, is able to understand and respond to the fickle magic-practicing habits of eighteen-year-olds in their college dorms.

Q: It's an honor to meet you.
Trash: You're hot. Great ass.

Q: What do I call you? Doctor?
Trash: Call me El Jefe. Nice rack, too!

Q: What attracted you to baseball? You seem athletic, but hitting a baseball is reputedly the most difficult challenge in sports.
Trash: That's why I became a pitcher. I love pitching. Know what I mean? (Winks)

Q: Tell us about your pitching. How many pitches do you have?
Trash: Well, the pitch - the act of throwing a baseball toward home plate to start a play - relies much on the seams of the ball. The seams catch the air and their motion is exaggerated or changed, making the ball more difficult to hit. I'm somewhat of an anomaly, I guess - where the typical successful major league pitcher has 2-4 pitches, I actually have 24 pitches. Honed my skills over years of touring, throwing stuff off the stage.

Q: What are your pitches?
Trash: I have a traditional fastball, two-seam fastball, four-seam fastball, cut fastball, split-finger fastball, forkball, rising fastball, breaking ball, curveball, knuckle curve, slurve, sinker, slider, screwball, yellow submarine, changeup, palm change, circle change, knuckleball, Eephus pitch, brushback, beanball, spitball, and surprise intentional ball. But my best pitch is the wild pitch. How about you? Are you wild?

Q: Well, I'm Bavarian -
Trash: I do like the cut of your jib.

Q: Do you see any parallel between the magic revolution today and musical explosion of ST in 1981?
Trash: I think they're really two paths to the same reality. It's about gravitation - the two frames of experience are similar, both allow you to frame infinity.

Q: How did your bandmates react when you initially approached them about your dual career shift?
Trash: (Pause) There was a lot of spittin' up blood, pissin' blood and bleedin'.

Q: Investing so much effort and money in re-popularizing wizardry and witchcraft was obviously a bold move. Did you do much hand-wringing over it?
Trash: I don't know what hand-wringing is. We did a lot of thinking about it. As the saying goes, 'If not for the courage of the fearless crew...'

Q: What do you mean by that? Entering the world of abracadabra voodoo shamanism?
Trash: As the saying goes, 'I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore...'

Q: Lately, the conjuring industry has been threatening to throw anyone caught illegally downloading magic tricks in jail. How smart is that?
Trash: Amber graves of liberty for all... deliver us from freedom! Sure it's smart. You deserve what you get. Take it to the next level - capital punishment. And then add insult to injury - have the executioner yawn while killing each perpetrator.

Q: Of course, magic theft is nothing new. Haven't you ever performed bootleg incantations?
Trash: I like to go to the mall and drip honey from a jar from high up on the second floor and cut the drip with scissors and watch people's faces intently study mine trying to determine whether or not I'm sane. Then I look for Swedes.

Q: I'm not sure I --
Trash: Want to see my wand?

Q: Beg your pardon?
Trash: I've put a spell on you... take off your clothes!

Q: Off the record?
Trash: You are one blue-eyed spider. Purina Kitten Ciao, baby!

Sub ST

Anything But Tranquil

The entire world was breathless this past weekend as a Russian submarine sat helpless at the bottom of the ocean. In a miraculous rescue, British armed forces were able to free the desperate vessel from its underwater predicament. Just now details of those final hours before rescue are coming to light.

The captain of the sub, Sergei Kovelevsky explains via an interpreter:

"It was dark and cold. We were trying to save the last power in our supply. We were unsure as to our future and not knowing if a saving was to happen. The radio was weak. Some men cried quietly. Others were to write last notes to family people. But for lucky sake I had my CD player with many ST disks. Situation Tranquil music helped us to feel powerful. My favorite was "Society of Spit". It is a CD to which I listen often. Its message is hope always. How do you say...I dig these tunes."

Informed of their part in the rescue ST publicist Gary Frey was pleased. "It's what we do."

S.T. Single: A New Path

New Song Has Rock World Buzzing

Situation Tranquil unexpectedly released a new single this weekend. Simply entitled "Myths", the new song's hard edged sound has quickly become American radio's most played song.

"Lyrics, sound, energy, emotion...that's our job." said band co-founder KF Nibla. "I trully hope you enjoy our sonic offereing as it was intended. As a blueprint for a new way to live."

The lyrics are unique in the world of popular music.


"Freud has suggested that
all moments of anxiety
reproduce the painful feelings
of the first separation
from the mother -
the tightening of the breath,
congestion of the blood,
of the crisis of the birth.

Conversely,
all moments of separation
and new birth produce anxiety.
Whether it be the king's child about to be taken
from the felicity of her established
dual-unity with Danny King,
or God's daughter Eve,
now ripe to depart
from the idyl of the Garden,
or again,
the supremely concentrated
Future Buddha
breaking past
the last horizons
of the created world,
the same archetypal images
are activated,
symbolizing danger,
reassurance,
trial,
passage,
and the strange holiness
of the mysteries of birth"

"I see this as a song of hope." said legendary ST keyboardist Dr. Louis Trash in a saturday morning interview with Larry Krueger on San Francisco's KNBR.